Any adult who was bullied as a child will tell you the experience has followed them through their life. For those who figured out how to handle the bully and overcome the experience , it made them stronger. For those who did not, however, it can lead to a life filled with feelings of inadequacy and unsatisfying adult relationships in the workplace and the home. So, the sooner we identify the problem of bullying and help our children to deal with it successfully, the better their entire lives will be. I will end this post with recommendations on how to help a young child, up to age 10 or 11, handle a bully. If you have an older child, Middle School through High School, I will refer you to a few websites I have found that may be helpful for this age group, moving into adulthood. This may be a long blog post about a very serious problem. So, lets get started.
What is Bullying?
Kids Health (https://kidshealth.org )describes bullying behavior as follows: “Bullies might hit, kick, or push to hurt people, or use words to call names, tease, or scare them. A bully might say mean things about someone, grab a kid's stuff, make fun of someone, or leave a kid out of the group on purpose. Some bullies threaten people or try to make them do things they don't want to do.”
Parents Magazine (https://www.parents.com/) defines it this way:” Bullying can exist in many forms: It can be physical (pushing, punching, or hitting); verbal (name-calling or threats); or psychological and emotional (spreading rumors or excluding someone from a conversation or activity). And with the pervasive use of social media, inappropriate behavior between kids can occur outside of school hours via emails, text messages, and Facebook posts. These exchanges, known as cyberbullying, can be particularly hurtful and aggressive, and their harmful effects are often brought back into school the next day.”
As a parent or educator, you may not be aware of these bullying behaviors. You may, however, be very aware of their effects on the targeted child.
Warning Signs
Parents report concerns that their child’s behavior has suddenly changed. A child who previously loved going to school or scout meetings, suddenly doesn’t want to go anymore. When asked why he just shrugs or responds with every parent’s favorite…”I don’t know. I just don’t like it.” Some parents notice that the child who always got along well with her siblings, suddenly changes course and begins to lose patience with them for the slightest thing. Some notice that their child has become withdrawn and uncommunicative or extremely self-critical. Grades may suffer. It is very hard to concentrate on schoolwork when you are preoccupied with anticipation of the next attack. All these behaviors may indicate that your child has become the victim of a bully.
Why My Kid?
If you are like me, you will look at your child and see a cute kid who is dressed well for school, clean, verbal, bright and fun to be with. Why would anyone pick on her?
I will not dwell on the motivations of the bully. That is another discussion for another day. But this brief description from Kids Health (https://kidshealth.org ) provides a some insight into the question of why.
“Sometimes bullies know that what they're doing or saying hurts other people. But other bullies may not really know how hurtful their actions can be. Most bullies don't understand or care about the feelings of others. Bullies often pick on someone they think they can have power over. They might pick on kids who get upset easily or who have trouble sticking up for themselves. Getting a big reaction out of someone can make bullies feel like they have the power they want. (emphasis mine) Sometimes bullies pick on someone who is smarter than they are or different from them in some way. Sometimes bullies just pick on a kid for no reason at all.”
The Many Forms of Bulling
Bullying is more than somebody saying or doing something mean. It is a campaign of cruelty that targets a person identified by the bully as vulnerable. Johnny Shannon is a motivational speaker from Australia. (https://www.jonnyshannon.com). He has made a career of speaking to groups of students about his own experience with being the target of bullies. He has made a study of the topic. Mr. Shannon describes 6 main types of bullying. These categories are developed for his speaking engagements to High School aged students. In the second half of this blog post I will address my recommendations to those types of bullying behaviors most relevant to a grade-school population. Keep in mind that none of these types of bullying are age specific. They can happen at any grade level and into adulthood. Here is what to look for:
1. Physical: This is the most obvious sign to watch for. The bully uses his/her larger size and strength to physically weaken or to harm the target through force or to intimidate with the threat of force. If a child is harmed physically this may constitute a crime of assault, no matter the age of the bully. No child should ever be purposefully physically harmed by another.
2. Verbal: We all know that old saying “Sticks and Stones may Break My Bones, But Words Will Never Harm Me.” Well, its false. Words wound deeply. Verbal bullying is the favored technique of the physically small child, the older child, and adults in the workplace. They use language in the form of insults and painful comments to belittle the target to shame them. Especially when, as in the case of a child with a disability or an adult with a bullying supervisor, the target cannot fight back. Most insidious, the verbal bully seeks opportunities when teachers or others aren’t present. If the child reports the bully, he is often told to “ just ignore him” or to shoulder some blame for the situation. “Well, what did you do to make him say that?” Not helpful. Verbal and Physical bullying often go together, especially when dealing with groups of bullies who often escalate to one up each other.
3. Cyber Bullying: I follow many parenting groups online. I recently have seen an up-tic in concerns about cyber bullying as many of our children are receiving their education remotely during the pandemic. Along with the rest of us, bullies are becoming more tech-savvy. Anyone who uses Facebook can see how quickly an innocent statement can be followed by a thread that deteriorates into an insult-fest. The same principle applies to chat rooms, private messages on Zoom, text messages etc. Hiding behind a screen, bullies can become vicious very quickly. When someone uses the internet to share hurtful comments, slander, embarrass, threaten, harass or otherwise harm someone else it is cyber bullying.
4. Emotional Bullying: This form of relational bullying can easily be missed by parents and teachers as it is not easy to identify. This is most prevalent, but not restricted to, female social groups, mean girls and frenemies. The targeted person is ostracized by one or more of their peers, thereby changing their social standing in the group and enhancing the standing of the bully. This is an insidious form of social manipulation. This is done by spreading lies about the target., sharing secrets told in confidence, publicly embarrassing the target, manipulating social situations, and breaking trust with the targeted person. The target is left feeling alone and unlikeable, abandoned by those who she thought were her friends. Retaliation can lead to a cycle of ongoing bullying.
(Just as an aside. I remember wondering as a teenager why these mean-girls were called popular. Nobody seemed to like them very much.)
5. Prejudicial Bullying: The evil of prejudice based on race, creed, sexual orientation is at the base of this bullying behavior. Rarely a standalone occurrence. Often physical, it can also include verbal and cyber bullying. It is critical to take every instance very seriously. This can constitute a hate crime.
6. Sexual Bullying: Sexual bullying can range from physical to verbal and emotional attacks like name calling, crude remarks, obscene gestures, exposure, or unwanted touching. These include any verbal or emotional attacks that seek to humiliate or shame the target sexually. It is not uncommon for girls to label other girls with shameful, hurtful terms that insinuate promiscuity. Although these most often target girls, this can also be true for boys. This can happen between people of the same gender as well as opposite sexes. When it turns physical it changes from bullying to sexual assault. Cyber bullying and sexual bullying can occur together.
How to Find Out what is Going On
If you observe the changes in behavior I described above under warning signs, you may have suspicions that your child is being bullied. How can you know for sure, especially if your child refuses to open up to you? As always, communication is key. If you have followed this blog, you will find that along with games to build language and academic skills I have focused on creating a healthy, ongoing parent/child relationship through building regular, open and accepting communication. Here is one occasion when that ground work will pay off. But, if your child has become withdrawn and won’t open up, start with your own observations.
· “I have been noticing lately that you don’t want to go to school. You always loved school. What changed? Maybe I can help.
· “You have always been so good with your brother, even when he is a little pest. I noticed that you are angry with him a lot lately. What is happening and how can I help?
· You have always been such a good student, but lately I see you are having some school troubles. Let’s talk about it a little. I have some ideas on how I can help get you back on track, but I want your ideas, too.
You know your child. Your goal in this conversation is to 1. Let him know you can tell something is wrong because you love him and notice his struggle. 2. Tell him that you are on his side no matter what is going on, and 3. You are an adult and can use your “grown-up” powers to make things better, if he will allow you to help. If your child will not open up to you, perhaps another trusted adult can step in. Grandparents, older siblings or Aunts and Uncles are usually great for this.
Do not overreact. You may want to go wallop that bully or call his parents to complain about their kid. I can tell you from experience, this will only make the situation worse. Your child needs for you to listen, with sympathy and compassion. He needs to know that you can be depended on to help him find his way out of this. Keep your reaction as neutral as possible. Support his emotions. Ask questions, Get details. All this information will be useful in formulating your plan to help.
Now that you know, what can you do to help?
Bullying must be approached from two perspectives. The first is external. In the moment of bullying, how is your child going to react to neutralize the threat? The second, equally important, is internal. What is your child sensitive about? How can you help him address those issues the bully targets?
External
When this happened to my daughter, she was 7 years old. I will not bore you with details, but I was fortunate to work with a terrific school psychologist who understood bullying and its effects. In my daughter’s case the bullying was social and verbal, not physical. We worked with her to develop at least 5 reactions that she could use in the moment, when confronted by a bully in the classroom or on the playground. My daughter was a smart little kid, so we framed it as a scientific experiment. She actually kept track of which technique she used, if it was effective and how many times she needed to use it for it to be effective against the bully. Even now, as an adult, she tells me she has used some of these techniques in the workplace. They are still effective. The important thing for your child to remember is to stay in control of his emotions. The bully likes to upset them and wants a big reaction. As Johnny Shannon (https://www.jonnyshannon.com) observes, the bully gets a big reaction (the payoff) for very little effort (the stimulus). Deprive him of his payoff.
Note: In my opinion, if the bullying is physical. I would treat it as an unlawful assault. I understand the reticence to get all legal on the bully, especially a child, but physical harm is unacceptable at any time or age. Report it to the school principal if it is on school property. If you do not get satisfaction from that source, consult an attorney about going further. If it is off school property, report it to the police. Do not mess around. If possible, remove your child from that environment. His safety is your first concern.
5 Ways to React and Keep Your Cool. Get Control of the situation.
1. As PeeWee Herman used to say, “I know you are, but what am I?”. If possible, turn the insult back on the bully. This is a subtle one and must be used judiciously. If the bully calls you ugly, respond with, “I’d rather be ugly than stupid. “ Or if he makes fun of your clothes, then respond, “At least I can change my clothes.” The trick is to keep the “like you” part of the quip silent. The comeback should not be an insult to the bully, which will only enrage him more. That is the beauty of the implied insult.
2. Do not respond to the insult. Just keep[ saying, “What? What did you say?” I don’t understand you”. Get the bully to repeat the stupid thing he or she said over and over until they tire of the game. (This was one of my daughter’s favorites.)
3. Walk away as though you didn’t hear them. It is important to carry on with an activity or engage in a new one that you enjoy immediately. This is particularly good on a playground where the target can climb or do something he is good at that the bully is not so good at.
4. The cold stare. This is the facial expression that communicates, without words, that the bully is an idiot. We all know that look. This look puts the bully in the position of responding to your coolness, not your upset. Encourage your child to stand tall and proud. Looking down and hunched over is almost as rewarding to the bully as crying. Keep eye contact and use the “look”.
It is my favorite way to react to a bully. As an adult I use this look all the time.
5. Immediately turn your back on the bully, but don’t move and don’t react. This was surprisingly effective, but not to be used when physical aggression is likely.
We practiced scenarios when she would use each of these techniques before implementing them in real life. I would “spring it on her” using the bully’s words when she wasn’t expecting it, so that she would know what to do when approached by the bully. Practice makes perfect, and turns the exercise into a game.
When she was ready to use each technique, we debriefed on the way home from school. We would analyze the bully’s attempted insult, how effective her chosen reaction was, and if the incidence of the bullying was decreasing or increasing overtime. It did not take long for the bullies to move on.
Internal
Why is your child a target, and another child not? As noted above, it is the payoff of the big response. Bullies look for those things the targeted child is most sensitive about. They hit all the “buttons” until they find the right one. Fortunately, most of these sensitive issues can be changed or altered. Somethings can be addressed immediately with a little help from you. Other things may take time, but you can help your child develop a plan to get it done. While the remaining things can’t be changed, his attitude towards them can be. Here’s one way to get started as per Mr. Shannon, who had some great examples from his own experience. I am paraphrasing his chart, with a few ideas of my own. He has a great series of videos on YouTube that you may want to check out. This idea came from one of them.
Take a piece of paper and divide it into 3 columns. Label the columns at the top and number the column on the left 1 through 10
as follows:
What I am sensitive about Can I do something About it? If not, can I change my attitude?
1. My thick glasses Yes, someday I can get contacts
2. My facial mole Yes, as an adult, I can get it removed
3. I am short No Short people live longer
4. I am not doing well in school Yes, I can learn to study better I am really good at art.
5. .. am overweight Yes, I can exercise and learn to cook.
You get the idea. Again, the goal is to give your child control over his feelings, actions, and reactions. You can add a fourth column on the page titled How Can I Help You? This will be a place that you can offer your assistance.
Addressing bullying from the inside is probably the most challenging part because it requires a change in self-perception from victim to self-creator. Keep in mind that it takes about 12 weeks of consistent effort to change most habits. Encourage your child to keep track of his progress over time. Prepare him to be patient with himself and stay with him on his journey until he no longer needs the help.
I hope all this information is helpful. Please let me know what works best for your family. I am always open to learning from your experiences.