Whenever we address behavior management , our first task is to clear up any confusion between discipline and punishment. Many parents conflate physical or verbal abuse with punishment. Abuse is NEVER acceptable. No hitting allowed!
It is also important to keep in mind that discipline and punishment are NOT the same thing. A quick google search gives us a working definition of ‘ to punish’ as: “ verb: to inflict a penalty or sanction on (someone) as retribution for an offense, especially a transgression of a legal or moral code.” Punishment is sometimes a useful tool in behavior management, but by all means not the only tool we have. As a tool, it is best used sparingly and not as the first level of intervention. The verb ‘to discipline’ is defined as : “verb: to train (someone) to obey rules or a code of behavior.” In this blog post you will find a few parental skills you can call upon to provide your children with self-discipline, “ noun: the ability to control one's feelings and overcome one's weaknesses; the ability to pursue what one thinks is right despite temptations to abandon it.” This is a process that can take time, involving patience, consistency, and behavior management skills.
Remember that YOU are the adult in this relationship. Your primary task as a parent is not raising children. It is preparing your children to be fully functional and productive adults. This is where it all starts.
HealthyChildren.org
What is Aggression?
How do we define aggressive behavior in children? What causes this negative behavior in young children? Should we manage aggression in school-aged children the same way we manage aggression in the pre-school years? When should a parent seek professional assistance? Those are just a few of the many questions we might ask, but they are a good starting point. Let’s take them one by one.
Are children today more aggressive than previous generations?
We do not have access to long-term studies over several generations to answer this question. Perhaps parents in the years since 2000 are more apt to ask about aggression than previous generations. Perhaps it is a feature of our social media age where parents are speaking to each other in greater numbers. The information explosion has freed us all up to privately scan the internet about our concerns. Hard to say. In any event there are increasing numbers of parents expressing concerns about their child’s aggressive behaviors. They have many questions. This is a concern for parents and education professionals alike. Judging from comments on parenting blogs and FAQ lists this is a problem that has been brought into greater focus in this time of increased family togetherness forced on all of us by the global pandemic.
How do we define aggressive behavior in children?
The Childmind Institute provides us with a working definition for childhood aggression. We must keep in mind that young people often have developing emotional regulation systems that lead to meltdowns and tantrums. These always are of concern for parents, but when do they cross the line to a “problem” that needs to be addressed. The Childmind Institute offers the following benchmarks:
· If your child’s tantrums and outbursts are occurring past the age in which they’re developmentally expected (up to about 7 or 8 years old)
· If his behavior is dangerous to himself or others
· If her behavior is causing her serious trouble at school, with teachers reporting that she is out of control
· If his behavior is interfering with his ability to get along with other kids, so he’s excluded from play dates and birthday parties
· If her tantrums and defiance are causing a lot of conflict at home and disrupting family life
· If he’s upset because he feels he can’t control his anger, and that makes him feels bad about himself
Gwen DeWar Ph.D. in her article for Parenting Science describes what this problematic aggressive behavior might look like in the moment. (I have added some additional thoughts to her list in parentheses) She tells us that a child might experience angry tantrums; hitting, kicking, or biting (himself or others); hot-headed outbursts that destroy property; cool-headed bullying; verbal attacks (on parents, siblings, teachers or peers); (and/or) engage in attempts to control others through threats or violence.
It is time to act when these behaviors occur with a frequency that interferes with family relationships, work life, education and social interactions in multiple environments.
istockphot.com
What does aggressive behavior look like in pre-school and school-aged children?
Liu, Lewis and Evans in their article written for the U.S. National Library of Medicine, National Institutes of Health looked at behaviors and the risk factors for aggressive behaviors throughout the human lifespan and how they are often age specific. Although their study was directed towards the responsibilities and concerns of the nursing profession, their information is enlightening.
Toddlers and Preschoolers
During these years aggressive behavior is seen as part of the normal developmental process. Before the development of verbal skills aggression is physical, with developing verbal skills later used to diffuse aggression or to communicate needs. Toddlers will commonly cry, scream, bite, kick, throw and break things in outbursts. These behaviors typically peak at 18 to 24 months with a slow decrease to age 5. (Coincidentally, this is the time period of greatest linguistic growth.) Aggressive behavior will typically start at about 17 months. A higher rate of aggressive behavior and externalizing behavioral problems was found in children with developmental delays.
School-Age Children (ages 6 to 11)
As children enter school, they may continue the aggressive behavioral patterns they showed in their pre-school years (see above). It is at this stage that aggression towards peers begins to appear, with the increased contact through the school environment. Aggression begins to appear as teasing, irritability, bullying, fighting, and even cruelty to animals or fire-setting may be seen. One study (Tremblay et al., 1996) showed a decrease in mothers reporting aggression in their children between the agers of 2 and 11, indicating that physical aggression may decrease over time. However, this study also reported an increase in maternal reports of indirect verbally aggressive behavior from ages 4 to 11 years, probably due to children’s increased use of verbal skills.
Multiple studies have found no evidence of the onset of physical aggression in children after the age of 6 years (Broidy et al., 1999; Nagin & Tremblay, 1999), suggesting that, for aggressive behavior in school-age children is a continuation from earlier ages and is not likely to begin during this stage.
Caution: If there is a sudden, negative, and uncharacteristic change in behavior you should examine your child’s environments closely for signs of abuse (school, clubs, etc.). In my previous blog about the effects of bullying I describe the signs to look for in bullying and sexual abuse as well as recommended next steps.)
Risk Factors
Liu, Lewis and Evans include information about aggressive behavior throughout the human lifespan in their fascinating article. (I recommend it to you if you are interested in learning more). The risk factors are the same for both early childhood age groups. Concerned adults have some control over a few of these factors: (family nutrition, our own aggressive behaviors) and little to no control over others (Genetic and Biological factors (e.g. birth complications). Liu, Lewis and Evans provide preventative strategies for your consideration that are appropriate for each developmental stage.
Preventative Strategies
Parents of Toddlers should take care to adjust their expectations to the child’s developmental age. You should set limits on behaviors that can harm self or others. If you grow concerned about behavior, observe closely to identify possible triggers. Remove the child from these situations whenever possible. You may decide to seek professional assistance if your Toddler’s behavior puts himself or others at risk of physical harm. This includes family pets and siblings. If you have concerns about a possible developmental delay, consult with your child’s pediatrician. You may also contact your local school district. In the United States there are Federally funded pre-school outreach programs that may provide you with information and support.
Parents , and Teachers of School-Aged Children should become aware of the supports available to them through their child’s school. Look for programs that emphasize self-monitoring and emotional regulation, increasing positive peer relationships and communication skills. At this age it is not unreasonable to look at the child’s learning style. You may decide to seek professional assistance. You can discuss this with your child’s pediatrician. Ask about ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyper-Activity Disorder), Specific Learning Disabilities, and Spectrum Disorders, which are often first diagnosed at this stage and sometimes (but not always) have a correlation with aggressive behavior. Gather information. If you have suspicions about any of these conditions, contact your child’s teacher and request a meeting with the School Psychologist, Speech-Language Pathologist, and Special Education Teacher to discuss your concerns and determine if a formal educational evaluation is recommended. If you are looking at educational environments, look for programs run by teachers who are trained in behavior management. There may be additional therapeutic services available, such as Occupational Therapy, that can target aggressive behavior triggers. While extreme cases may require safe physical management, these are thankfully rare. Physical restraints are to be avoided. All school programs should have a parent involvement component.
U.S. National Library of Medicine
Parent Skills for the Management of Aggression in Pre-School and School-Aged Children
Of course, we, as parents, must meet the needs of these two developmental groups on their own terms. While not every troublesome behavior is a sign of a serious medical or educational disorder, the behaviors we have talked about can be very disruptive to family and peer relationships, not to mention a child’s (and parent’s) self-esteem. How can you help your child?
Emily Mudd, PhD. In her article for the Cleveland Clinic recommends these 6 strategies for taming your tiger.
1. Stay Calm: Meeting large emotions with your own large emotions can increase the level of aggression. Take a breath and model emotional regulation for your child in the moment.
2. Do not Give In to Tantrums or Aggressive Behavior: This is rewarding inappropriate behavior and will act to perpetuate it in the future.
3. Catch Your Child Being Good: Reward good behavior with praise, even if it isn’t unusual. Let him know you noticed him being “so grown up” at the dinner table. Treats and prizes are not as powerful as your recognition and praise.
4. Name Their Emotions For Them: For example, you might say, “I can see you are frustrated with putting on your shoe.” Enhance his vocabulary to decrease physical demonstration of emotion.(I personally recommend avoiding words like anger or scared. There are many more emotions to label. Kids act out of frustration, anxiety, anticipation, excitement etc. He isn’t scared of riding the bus, he is anticipating a new experience. He isn’t angry, he is frustrated that the dog won’t fetch the stick.)
5. Know Your Child’s Triggers and Behavior Patterns. Break tasks down into steps. Give time warnings (“We leave in ten minutes. Time to put on your shoes.) Reward positive behavior changes as soon as they appear.
6.Appropriate Rewards: Rewards are not always material. Special Mom/Dad time or a family movie night are also fun and reinforcing.
istockphoto.com
Toddler Specific
In their article entitled 10 Tips to Prevent Aggressive Toddler Behavior Healthy Children.Org recommended these 10 steps for managing Toddler behavior:
1. Teach the house rules. Children learn through repetition of your rules, so that is one of your important parenting responsibilities. Toddlers are prone to touching and exploring, so if you don't want them to handle something, hide or remove it. If you can, make a separate portion of your home as a “safe zone” where your child can play without too much supervision. This is important: whenever children break an important rule, they should be reprimanded immediately and made to understand exactly what they have done wrong.
2. Do Not Threaten. It is more powerful to positively reinforce desired behaviors and to teach children alternative behaviors rather than threaten a consequence that may never happen.
3. Learn to Distract. A distraction is not a bribe. You are changing his focus onto something more positive. “Look at that blue bird. Wow! That’s beautiful!” (I recently read a post from one mother who successfully negotiated preparing for bedtime by lining up her son’s stuffed toys as an audience to cheer him as he put on his pajamas. It worked for her!)
4. Control yourself. They can't yet. Toddlers are not known for their self-control. It is your job as a parent to teach them not to kick, hit, or bite when they are angry, but instead to express their feelings through words.
5. “We don't hurt each other” When she is involved in disputes with playmates and the disagreement is minor, keep your distance and let the children solve it on their own. When children get into a physical fight that continues even after they're told to stop, or when one child seems to be in an uncontrollable rage and is assaulting or biting the other you must intervene. Separate them until they have calmed down. You may have to end the play session if things get too out of hand. The lesson for them to learn is that it doesn't matter who "started it”. There is no acceptable excuse for trying to hurt each other.
6 Teach what to do instead of fighting. Teach your child to say “no” a firm tone of voice, to turn his back, or to find compromises. Through example, you can teach your child to settle differences with words instead of physical violence.
7. "Great job!” Praise your child for appropriate behavior and help explain how "grown-up" she is acting whenever she uses her words to express herself instead of physical outbursts. Reinforce and praise behavior when you catch her being “kind and gentle”.
8. Time-outs are OK. There's also nothing wrong with using a timeouts. They can be effective for children as young as one year old.
9. Control your own temper. Always watch your own behavior around your child. If you express your anger in quiet, peaceful ways, your child probably will follow your example.
10. Stay Strong. If you must discipline your child, do not feel guilty about it. Although disciplining your child is never pleasant, it is a necessary part of parenthood, and there is no reason to feel guilty about it. Your child needs to understand when he is in the wrong, and that it is important to take responsibility for his actions and be willing to accept the consequences.
istockphoto.com
School-Aged Specific
Healthy Day.com in their article addressing aggression in children ages 6 to 12 made the following recommendations. It is your job as a parent to teach your child to recognize, understand and guide him in acceptable ways of letting his emotions of anger, fear, and disappointment show. These tips can help:
Respond immediately. Step in immediately if aggressive behavior turns physical. He should know instantly when he has done something wrong. Try "time-ins" (instead of time-outs): Stop what you're doing and ask your child to sit down with you and remain silent. Hold or touch him in a loving way if he will let you. After a few minutes of peace, briefly discuss what happened; then simply resume your activities. (If he sometimes refuses a time out, this technique may help you avoid that battle.)
Cool down; then discuss what happened after your child has settled down but before he forgets the episode, perhaps a couple of hours. Calmly review the circumstances that led to his aggressive behavior. Ask him to explain what triggered it. Emphasize that angry feelings are normal but hitting, kicking, or biting are not acceptable. Role play better ways of responding, by verbalizing his emotion ("I feel really angry because you took my basketball") or by walking away from the situation so he has some time to cool down and think about what to do.
Discipline consistently. As much as possible, respond to each episode the same way. Over time, your consistent response ("Okay, you hit your brother. That means a time-out") will set up a pattern that your child will recognize. Eventually, he will internalize this pattern and anticipate consequences before he acts, which is the first step in regulating his own behavior.
Promote self-control. Catch him being good For example, if he asks for a turn at the computer game instead pushing his brother aside, comment on his actions (“That was really nice. You asked like a grown-up.”). Self-control and conflict resolution are skills he can use in high school and beyond. If he's having a particularly hard time with this, you might want to develop a reward system for him. (I explain how to do this in my blog “Change the Conversation to Change Behavior”. ) Rewards can be simple, like getting some extra time with you or maybe by taking a walk to the park for some batting practice or a jog around the track.
Hold him responsible for the consequences of his own behavior. If he damages someone's property, he should pay to have it fixed, either out of his allowance or with money earned by doing extra chores around the house. This is not a punishment handed down from parent to child. It is the natural consequence of a belligerent act. Anyone (child or adult) who harms another person, or their possessions would have to do the same.
Teach moral lessons. Acting out physically is not right because it hurts other people. Your child needs these lessons to develop empathy. He needs you to provide him with the principles of appropriate and ethical behavior, including that he must think about how his actions affect other people.
I hope you find this information helpful. Please feel free to contact me with any questions regarding this and other Gabbing Blogs at francine@giftofgab.site. You can also find me on Facebook at The Gift of Gab Book.